When I said, “Go and have a good time, just enjoy yourself. I’ll stay home.” I didn’t mean it. Now I’m here bored and abandonment issues are kicking in.
I’m begging my Demon to behave when she gets home. Grab her an love her up, do not ignore her in a funk. I pray to Odin, please let me do this right.
Have you ever put your heart into something thinking that what you’re doing is meaningful only to have it received with a deafening thud?
It really hurts.
This is why borderlines keep shit bottled inside. I wish I never did it at all now.
Holding it in
I have questions. A pervasive thought runs through my mind over and over like a toy car on an oval track. Whose number is this? It doesn’t come up anywhere else. Just that day, all day. Who is it? Is it him, did he get another phone? Is he breaking our agreement? Are you playing me for a fool..again? All of this and more tortures me daily. I want to ask, I’ve even started to ask. Riding in the car together on our way to work. I turned to you and started to say, “In the interest of full disclosure, I checked the phone records. Whose number is this?” But I didn’t. I couldn’t bring those words to cross my lips. When I turned I looked at your eyes, your pink full lips, and that cute white hat you wear all winter. You looked..peaceful. What right is it of mine to squash that peace? You are in a pretty good place right now. Considering we have so much to do before the family arrives in a couple of days, I’d say none. So I will sit here with angst, and shame, and fear. So much fear. I will bear the burden of a secret just as you have on so many occasions. A secret about your secret. That’s silly, right? Perhaps it’s nothing. What’s to lose and even if it is my worst fear I’ve demonstrated time and again that it doesn’t matter. What’s to lose is the peace of mind you seem to have. We are a team right now, doing, and doing, and doing. Work, home, build, clean, etc. We are doing it all together. So why pass the burden and angst to you when I can just hold it in. I’ll feel better asking, but you’ll feel worse. That’s just not a burden I wish to pass along. I think that means I’ve come a long way. Isn’t that mindfulness, eating crow so anther doesn’t have too? Am I doing this wrong? No matter, do what you will, I’ll be here waiting for you.
Reblog if you have a BPD or other mental illness recovery blog.
I was struggling all day with triggers and now I’ve just plain lost the battle. Commence full scale isolation and withdrawal. I just hate this.
I was looking for the title to our old car, it’s broken down and I want to donate it to a charity for auction. While shuffling through some paperwork I came across some old notes the wife wrote about our challenges. She talked about waiting for me as I was going through my own ridiculous affair and how she had rekindled a previous relationship of her own. Fine, fair enough I moved my search on to another location. Except that I wasn’t fine. This morning the angst and pain of discovering that first affair of hers came flooding back. My heart started beating fast, I was sweating and angry. Now here I am typing in the dark. God damn it, why can’t I get out of my own head!?!?!?! I’m sick of having these stupid useless memories and pains coming back at the worst of times. We had a GREAT DAY yesterday. We have so much to do today and here I am typing about my silly, stupid feelings. Fuck I fucking hate my fucking head. Just shut off, let it go. She loves you, stupid fucking Demon. She’s here with us, Demon and alter ego. Let it feel good.
Good morning baby, did you sleep ok? Oh me? Well I woke up around 1:30 with a little pain in my chest. Now that we’re both awake and said our pleasantries I really want to check your phone. I wonder is he sending you love notes while we sleep. Does he still update you on how he dreamt of you and imagined the two of you sleeping intertwined all night? Does he profess his undying love while in reality he’s lying next to his truly dying cancer stricken wife? Does he still tell you how I need to be taught a lesson? How he wishes you two where at his wooded cabin by the lake?
So yeah I want to check your phone. But I don’t and I probably won’t. For who, for what? What’s the gain? Nothing as best as I can tell. My Demon says look for clues of a broken agreement. I told you to stop or I’d tell your wife. You said you were, “Done”. The texts have been deleted, no doubt, but the emails that’s where my prying eyes would go. How up to date are the various mailboxes? If the deletes are fresh, then yes the love notes continue to fly fast and free. “But so what,” I tell my Demon. MY wife is MY wife and always will be. This she tells me. She’s “not going anywhere,” she says. What she did was a mistake and she should have left rather than engage in this tacky behavior. It’s over and done, back to professional conduct. Our marriage is strong and our love is real. She is my Muse and will be forever. There is no scenario in my head where we aren’t together at the end of days. So what if he still calls her a “sensual creature.” That she is indeed.
The truth is this dirty old man wants to be me. He literally wants to be in my place. He wishes he made you cum as deeply I make you. He dreams of being deep in your thighs pulled ever closer. He wants your soft kisses across my neck on his. Well, tough shit. Keep dreaming, Dick. What type of man does this to his sickly spouse? Married something like 30 years and chasing younger, hotter pussy. It’s a misuse of power and inappropriate. She’s your assistant, asshole. Your wife, your boss, HR. They would all hand you your hat. Then it’s my turn. You said I need to be “put in my place.” You know where I am, where I work, where I sleep. Step on up and take a shot at the big league, asshole. But, as my good friend Dan would say, “You better pack a lunch.” It’s going to be a long day. I will break you, literally. I will wring your neck like a wet dish towel. Leaving you broken and alone. Now who’s laughing? I got MY wife and my revenge.
I know he’s shady and I’m going to continue to trust that you are not. My Demon challenges me daily to break said trust and peruse your phone. But I don’t. There it sits on the steamy counter top as you take the hottest of showers. I look at it and I walk away. Because I love you and that’s really all that matters today. My Demon is at bay, content to be fed by my written revenge. Truth is, this is his burden to bear, not mine. I have MY wife by my side. It’s all I ever wanted. I guess I could thank you for reminding me what a true star she is. So, thanks Dick. I’ll take it from here. Good morning, baby. First bell rang, how did you sleep?
So, don’t try to fix me
But don’t ignore me either
I completely lost my buzz thinking about how you fucked me over. It doesn’t matter if you did or not. Fact is my buzz is gone and now i’m stuck in my own head.