Mad that I was so honest and open this morning. Exposed my most inner self. Bared my soul, to use a ridiculous cliche. And I still don’t know your truth. Do you love him? Why do you do this thing over and again. Killing me only to resuscitate me over and over and over and over and over. Go away so I can go too. Let me die so you can be free.
A moment to pause
I had a visit with my therapist today. I phoned her panicked earlier in the week when I found out my wife was still carrying on with (redacted). Basically, I’m still all in, I want my wife, I want my marriage, I will work to make us better.
There is one thing that would change most everything I said today. If she’s really sleeping with him that would give me pause. It’s my belief this is all just talk. An affair of the heart or mind, still bad certainly. That’s what I’ve talked myself into accepting. Talked myself into it is too strong. I’m desperate enough to save my marriage that I’m saying, “OK just don’t cross this line, I mean this line, now this line.” And on and on. If it’s more than verbal validation I’m more likely to walk away. And spiral.
First off let’s give credit where it’s due. I’m not an easy person to exist with. Some can’t talk with me for long, let alone live with me for 20+ years. You were a trooper. That you had indiscretions is fairly, kinda, sort of understood. Kinda. But you said, “I’m not going anywhere.” You were in this for good, for real, forever. What happened to that? For better or worse, richer, poorer, etc. Am I that terrible? That’s what hurts the most, the exposure that I’m really a monster, not just a kinda sorta difficult guy, but a monster.
I’m unsure what’s next for me, I kinda want revenge. Share my pain.
I thought I was better, I was actually. Started taking Sam-e 800mg, Fish oil with 7-1 EPA-DHA ratio. My mood improved greatly. For several months I was as depression free as I have ever been. Slowly it crept back though. Job frustrations were the start. My company is disorganized, recent acquisitions and a do nothing boss. But I’m managing that, also looking for a new position.
Then it started up with my wife again. I thought we were ok, it’s always when I think we’re ok. She tells me one night she feels dead inside. Uh oh, been there before. I check her phone and sure enough she’s messing around with her boss again. I warned him, what a sleaze. His wife is terminally ill, but instead of caring for her he’s text and emailing my wife. I share blame, but mostly I’m ill. She won’t even talk about it. Fine, divorce it is. Only I can’t go thru that, I’ll die first. Split my veins right open. God I was trying, I really was.
In a pretty dark place today. I just don’t want to be anymore. Angry, helpless, frail, just a pathetic being in general. There is nothing I want that could make this better.
I held a knife in my hand in the dark. The way the cold steel glistened in the moonlight was beautiful.
I deleted most of the porn from my follows list and now my timeline (is that the correct term) is boring as fuck.
As the World Turns
Once I loved another. She was dark, exotic, elegant, sexy, full of class and confidence. Together we looked like a Million dollars. The sex was tantric. She loved me more than anyone ever has, worshipped me even. I ended it and went back to my wife. The wife who had cheated on me (and has since we got back together) and told me she wanted a divorce. I left the one who loved me to go back to the one I loved.
My wife has said on more than one occasion that she would do anything for me. Dress how I say, go where I want, do anything for me. This is not true and it bothers me greatly. Allow me to get shallow for a moment. I think at the end of this it might be less shallow than I think. I once said I want her to dress as nice as possible when we go out. If I’m not in Jordans or gym shoes then she too should wear nice shoes. She doesn’t do this. I bought her numerous Opi polishes that I found attractive. She hasn’t painted her nails in six months. I am a wizard with my tongue, top shelf at cunnilingus, taking her to ecstasy at least twice weekly . She does not return the oral favor, maybe once ever 90 days. She colors her hair and use to let me pick the color. I always chose some degree of red. She’s very fair skinned and it looks stunning when done. She now only choose drab black, even though she admits how many compliments she gets for the red, auburn, etc. If you are reading this you are thinking either I’m an asshole (I am) or that she seems unhappy (she is). Right now she is extra unhappy because her boss was fired two days ago. The same boss who she was just three months ago carrying on an (allegedly only verbal) affair. She looks sad, tired, drawn out, just absolutely horrible. She’s worried the new boss will get rid of her. This is the new boss that gave her a 25% raise just a month ago. Percent, not cents, percent. That’s a HUGE raise. Why the fuck do you think he would fire you? I think she is so upset because she doesn’t see “him” everyday now. She can’t get her “squeezes” (hugs I think) in the old bosses office. I’m sick to death of looking at her sad, worn out face knowing he is what she’s thinking of.
Now I’ve written a lot about give, give, give. You get what you give, etc. So far, I’m getting shit and it’s getting old. I don’t know how much longer I can continue this. A divorce is the way I think we should go. I’m more ready now than ever before. She isn’t trying and I’m ready to give up too.
This is that moment
BPD in a male is misunderstood and unpopular. The first person to suggest I look into this condition is unwilling to assist in my treatment We sit still in the night, no words crossing our lips. Just long sighs. You expect me, the sick one, to be the first to speak, to reach out, to mend us. By mend us I mean you of course. YOU feel lonely. YOU feel unappreciated. YOU feel unvalidated. That’s rich. Three nights straight you go to bed immediately following dinner. Three nights before I was out of town. No smiles, no touches, no us. Just you and your needs. Mine don’t matter, never have. GIVE, GIVE, FUCKING GIVE I tell myself. Funny thing is, myself just said fuck you. I’d rather be by myself, than alone with you. That’s not a new feeling for a Borderline. Question is, will I feel that way when I’m back on my meds? Yep, been off of them for two weeks and I’ve not picked them up because I don’t want to ask you for the money. Once you realize I’m off them you’ll automatically link “my behavior” to this. Never ever accounting for your own bullshit. You’re not very good for me. Maybe someday I’ll be strong enough to walk away. Until then, I better fill my prescription.